I so wanted to be adult and I so wanted to be loved. And as I saw it, to be an adult woman meant to put yourself down both personally and professionally. To be an adult woman was to never be good enough. Being negative or lamenting about aspects of myself I wanted to change became a way I could bond with the woman I loved the most. \u201cWomen supporting women\u201d was anything but trending.\u2028\u2028My lowest point came in college in 2004, when I developed an eating disorder that\u2019s fortunately getting a lot of press as of late: Orthorexia. Since there was literally ONE website devoted to the disorder back then, the next few years were my own up and down journey with the recovery I knew I needed.<\/p>\n
Fast forward, and my own personal healing path led me to becoming acutely aware of how the women around me spoke to and about themselves on a regular basis. I realized how involuntary it was most of the time, and how engrained in our culture it had become to say such things to ourselves \u2013 and not just about our bodies! With body-positive and affirmation-laden media campaigns gaining momentum, I was dumbfounded to realize there was no place where women could actually access tools, tips, resources \u2013 as well as inspiration and motivation \u2013 to get to that place of self love and actualization. And from that realization, WANT was born.<\/p>\n Negative talk, in the WANT sense, primarily refers to negative self-talk \u2013 both internally and externally. It\u2019s all those things we tell ourselves or tell others ABOUT ourselves that belittle who we are or what we do. The scariest thing is that negative self-talk has become so common and such a standby for so many of us (it\u2019s way easier to beat ourselves up than actually explore our sometimes-scary truths) that many times, we don\u2019t even realize we\u2019re doing it.<\/p>\n Our self-talk patterns are like muscles that are constantly being strengthened. The method of how we\u2019re strengthening them, however, is what\u2019s tricky: we can choose to strengthen them either negatively or positively. \u2028\u2028It\u2019s not about ignoring our negative self-talk or burying it under mantras or isms. It\u2019s about recognizing what the negative self-talk is actually speaking to, and working to shift THAT around.<\/p>\n Our self-talk patterns are like muscles that are constantly being strengthened.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Haha \u2013 where do I start? Even the most zen people (myself included) can get stressed out over the tiniest things.\u2028\u2028 Most of us fall somewhere on the spectrum of wanting a wedding that is super traditional to wanting one that is completely out of the ordinary (this is in reference to the people who want a wedding. Some don\u2019t, and that\u2019s great, too!). But I think both of those extremes can create major stress.\u2028\u2028On one hand, you have a template you feel you need to follow to a T: boxes that need to be checked off and things you need in place for it to \u201cbe a wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n On the other hand, I know plenty of people who have stressed themselves silly over wanting the most unique, quirky, NON-traditional wedding possible, so almost every decision is made based on whatever is opposite of what is usually done. It\u2019s like our teen years all over again \u2013 imma do what I want (subtext: imma do whatever you don\u2019t want, mom and dad)!\u2028\u2028The problem is that in both scenarios, you get stuck in \u201ctrying\u201d mode instead of \u201cBE-ing\u201d mode. When we\u2019re trying, we\u2019re grasping to create what we think is right. When we\u2019re just be-ing, we\u2019re confident in what we feel is best.<\/p>\n So what if you want mostly traditional stuff but don\u2019t want a bridal party? So what if you don\u2019t jive with the traditional stuff but are all about the large processional? So what if there are things you\u2019d like that \u201cno one does\u201d\u2026or, on the flip, that \u201ceverybody does?\u201d We end up putting pressure on ourselves to be this ONE thing. The idea we form in our minds of what that is can hold us hostage if we let it.\u2028\u2028I also think expectations of others come into play for sure. When we don\u2019t get clear on what matters to us \u2013 and don\u2019t ask others to get clear on it, either, you just have one big mess of \u201cshoulds.\u201d\u2028\u2028One last thing. Women especially\u2026we live our lives being told what to do, what to wear, how to act, and who to be. By the media, by others. Even our own body, many times, does not feel like our own.<\/p>\n When we\u2019re just be-ing, we\u2019re confident in what we feel is best.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Planning a wedding, therefore, can feel like the ONE time you are \u201callowed\u201d to exert control and call the shots. \u201cWomen\u2019s Empowerment\u201d is a buzz-phrase right now\u2026but that doesn\u2019t mean we don\u2019t have a long way to go. Planning a wedding, to some, can feel like one of the only shots they have at full autonomy. And that creates a feeling of desperation \u2013 because a wedding is only one day. One moment. Taking control of our lives does not, and should never, begin and end with just one day out of a lifetime.<\/p>\n I think we are more prone to negative TALK in general, mostly to direct our stress, fears, or anxieties at something, anything we can define. Which is dangerous. It\u2019s easier to bond over the things we loathe rather than the things we love. So whether it\u2019s an argument, gossip, or constantly venting about the same things over and over, the more we do it, the more fluent we become in the language of negativity. That\u2019s all it is: a language we practice and eventually feel comfortable deferring to. The more we practice the language of pettiness, anger, and negativity outwardly \u2013 the easier it is to go to that place internally. And vice versa. Is that really how you want to be going into this next amazing phase of your life?<\/p>\n Diving in, digging deep, and identifying not only your triggers but WHY they are your triggers is really important.\u2028\u2028 So, my awesome mom and I are working as a team to lock down the details of this wedding (along with the magic-work of our BRILLIANT coordinator and my long-time chosen sister, Sarah from LB Events<\/a>! Thank you, Sarah, for working with two strong personalities and still loving us fiercely!). There have been a few times I\u2019ve gotten really defensive with my mom or presented her with an idea as if I need to defend it right away. This usually happens when she tells me something she thinks is great, or I come up with something I\u2019m not sure she\u2019ll be on board for. I get upset for what seemed like no reason.<\/p>\n But when I dug deeper, I realized I had a big reason \u2013 one having nothing to do with our wedding. For most of my life, I\u2019d say yes to things or people because I was told something was the easier or more practical option, or someone\u2019s feelings would get hurt otherwise. I\u2019m lucky to have so many people in my life who love me, but a lot of times I felt like the plucky supportive friend in the rom-com instead of the one actually making the decisions. This made me feel like a child, like I was runner-up to everyone else, or like my decisions weren\u2019t the right ones unless I got everyone to sign off on them first. \u2028\u2028So when certain things would come up – where it would be easier or more practical or more \u201cacceptable\u201d to say YES and not deal \u2013 I\u2019d start to stress out because the part of me that\u2019s felt like the \u201cgo with the flow\u201d girl, the trooper, or the sidekick my whole life was being majorly triggered.<\/p>\n I\u2019m still working on it, but I try to keep myself in check more often while asserting myself in a non-defensive way (basically, a way that isn\u2019t preemptively expecting she\u2019ll be shut down or convinced to cave). It allows me to express why I want the things I want a whole lot easier, and helps me let go of the things I actually DON\u2019T care that much about without feeling like I\u2019ve lost control.<\/p>\n It\u2019s so important to get clear on what matters most to you and your partner, otherwise it can seem like everything matters most. A nice recipe for overwhelm! People always say that the best wedding planning advice is not to listen to anyone else\u2019s opinion and to do things however you\u2019d like to do them. But the part they don\u2019t leave out is to choose what actually matters to you and focus your energy there. \u2028\u2028For us, it was very important for everything to feel cozy, relaxed, and personal \u2013 we knew we wanted to involve friends and family, and then crowd-source our most trusted peeps for vendors when needed. That\u2019s what mattered.<\/p>\n Wise men and women say it over and over in literature and culture: people will forget the way things looked, but they\u2019ll remember the way you made them feel.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n But in my mind, plated food conjured up images of dressed-up waiters and a super formal vibe. I was dead set on family-style, because I thought it felt more community-oriented and chill. Turns out, family style was way more expensive and the quality of food could suffer. So we\u2019re doing plated. Is it our ideal vision? No. Can we get the same feel? Yes. And that\u2019s what matters. Wise men and women say it over and over in literature and culture: people will forget the way things looked, but they\u2019ll remember the way you made them feel. That applies to yourself and your SO, too.<\/p>\n A couple weeks in, I was starting to majorly stress \u2013 my mom was in GAME TIME mode and while I was for the most part, I was still soaking in our engagement and was not ready with a bunch of answers for her yet. I absolutely despise it when there is zero hint of one member of the couple in the wedding process (in heteronormative couples, usually this ends up being the groom) \u2013 after all, it\u2019s not just a party, it\u2019s a kickoff to a marriage between TWO people! \u2013 so I wanted to make sure we were on the same page from the get-go. And I didn\u2019t want to make decisions about things without them being what we BOTH want (or if we didn\u2019t both want them, at least find a compromise).<\/p>\n I want to have a wedding because I love my fianc\u00e9, I love my friends, and I love my family \u2013 and I love the idea of one night, all of us coming together under the umbrella of the latter and just being family.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Seeing my stress bubbles start to come to a boil, my fianc\u00e9 sat me down with a piece of paper and we wrote down every single thing that was involved in a wedding, from the guest list to the ceremony to the flatware on the tables. He circled two things. \u201cThese are the things I have a strong opinion about.\u201d He put stars next to about five things. \u201cThese are the things I have an opinion about, but they\u2019re not super important.\u201d The rest? \u201cThese are the things I 1000% defer to you and your mom. Just have fun and go crazy!\u201d Even the \u201cstrong opinion\u201d things, he said, were flexible if we needed to budge for practical or logistical (or just stress-reducing, tbh) reasons.<\/p>\n I mean, we did the whole combined Pinterest board thing too, which ended up being funny because we pinned almost EXACTLY the same images as each other. But knowing the things he cared a lot about \u2013 which all mostly boiled down to the vibe of the day \u2013 made it so much easier for me to take action, bring ideas to the table, and translate his Jeremy-ness into the day. When it comes down to details and the bells\/whistles, I still discuss everything with him either beforehand (ie photographer) or in the midst of planning (ie caterer), but I know I can make an executive decision while keeping him in the loop and without wondering if we\u2019re on the same page.<\/p>\n This applies to the rest of my life, too \u2013 but when we are talking wedding stuff, we are talking wedding stuff. When we\u2019re not, we\u2019re not. I like to compartmentalize so that I can keep my focus where it should be. Sometimes that\u2019s on wedding planning. Sometimes that\u2019s on watching The Mindy Project. Sometimes it\u2019s about talking about relationships and marriage. Sometimes it\u2019s about politics. Sometimes it\u2019s about self-improvement. Sometimes it\u2019s about our favorite things in NYC. Wedding planning is not THE conversation in our household \u2013 it\u2019s one of many. And I like it that way. Talking too much about the \u201cstuff\u201d can get priorities jumbled. A wedding is for a marriage, not the other way around.<\/p>\n I think that sitting and stewing in stress is bad as is \u2013 but sitting and stewing in stress when it comes to something that\u2019s supposed to be positive that involves another person is another thing. I know I didn\u2019t want to talk to my fianc\u00e9 about certain things when I was really worked up, because I only wanted him to have positive associations with this day. Turns out, he just wanted me to know that I didn\u2019t need to stress!<\/p>\n Come back to your why \u2013 WHY do you want to have a wedding? Plenty people elope or go down to City Hall. This is a choice you are making. Know the reasons you want a wedding, ideally before you even start a planning process (ideally even before you\u2019re engaged!).<\/p>\n I want to have a wedding because I want to see and feel all stages of my life, and of his life, coming together to move us forward into our next chapter.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I know I want to have a wedding because how meaningful I think the tradition of it is. I know I want to have a wedding because I want to kick off the next chapter in our lives together in a big, bold, beautiful way. I want to have a wedding because I love that it symbolizes us as a united front \u2013 everything from the ceremony to the vows to the venue and d\u00e9cor choices. I want to have a wedding because I want to see and feel all stages of my life, and of his life, coming together to move us forward into our next chapter. I want to have a wedding because I love my fianc\u00e9, I love my friends, and I love my family \u2013 and I love the idea of one night, all of us coming together under the umbrella of the latter and just being family.<\/p>\n Katie, you run WANT, Women Against Negative Talk. Tell us about how you got started! I cannot think of a time in my life that has not led up to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":71706,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"_eb_attr":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"","_lmt_disable":"","fifu_image_url":"https:\/\/rehearsaluploads.withjoy.com\/uploads\/2017\/04\/IMG_6858.jpg","fifu_image_alt":"An Interview with Katie Horwitch: Wedding Planning, Self Care, and Positive Talk","footnotes":""},"categories":[443],"tags":[603,21],"class_list":["post-40441","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blogger-spotlight","tag-self-care","tag-wedding-planning"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"Creative_Start_2\"](\"https:\/\/rehearsaluploads.withjoy.com\/uploads\/uploads\/2017\/04\/Creative_Start_2-1024x1024.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n\u2028What is negative talk? And how pervasive is it in our every day lives?<\/h2>\n
Wedding planning is stressful\u2014but it doesn’t have to be. Why do you think we put so much pressure on ourselves?<\/h2>\n
![\"IMG_5107\"](\"https:\/\/rehearsaluploads.withjoy.com\/uploads\/uploads\/2017\/04\/IMG_5107-1024x1024.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nDo you think we’re more prone to negative self-talk when we’re wedding planning?<\/h2>\n
How do you get yourself out of those dark, murky moments?<\/h2>\n
Wedding overwhelm is real. How do you deal?<\/h2>\n
![\"Processed](\"https:\/\/rehearsaluploads.withjoy.com\/uploads\/uploads\/2017\/04\/IMG_6861-1024x683.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWhat are some ways your partner can help you manage stress during the wedding planning process?<\/h2>\n
\u2028\u2028What are some ways you and your partner stay connected while planning?<\/h2>\n
How should a woman articulate to her partner what she needs when it comes to staying positive?<\/h2>\n
What should a bride-to-be tell herself every day to ensure she stays above the fray?<\/h2>\n
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