Once upon a time, in a far-off land of majestic bison and "you-betchas", there lived a boy and a girl. The girl worked as a nurse at the local hospital, although her tendency to forget both her identification badge and stethoscope on fairly regular basis left a coordinated set of navy blue scrubs as the only evidence of her employment. The girl had gorgeous, flowing blonde hair, captivating blue eyes, and a contagious smile that could make even the grumpiest, "bah-humbug" patient grin. Her striking features and upbeat personality were thwarted only by the sub-zero gusts of wind and snow that stood between her weiner-dog stickered Acura and the doors of the hospital at the beginning and end of each day. The boy was a PhD student at a nearby university. He was devilishly good-looking, not to mention brilliant, and charming, and outgoing, and all of his jokes were funny (I sincerely hope you can deduce the author of this section by now :). Truth be told, the boy was, unquestionably, weird. From old man tendencies to a pair of thick, over-magnified, glare-proof glasses, the only small teaspoon of 'cool' left within the boy's body emanated from his 1982 Honda motorcycle (that only started when his remarkably patient "adopted dad" and best friend could figure out what the boy had foolishly - and hilariously - broken). The girl came from sunny California, while the boy hailed from the Badger State. The girl adored cats and the boy loved dogs (for the record, she even forced the boy to attend the first annual "Internet Cat Video Festival" at a local theater). The boy's regular cuisine featured cheese and milk, a stark contrast to the girl's green refrigerator profile of kale and kombucha. The girl was shy and reserved, while the boy wouldn't shut up. In a chaotic universe, statistical probability and random chance dictated (P < 0.01) that the boy and the girl should never meet, let alone spend the rest of their lives together. The deck was stacked against them.

Cue Tinder: an uncouth social media and dating application that friends lament and parents misconstrue. With one commanding finger swipe of a phone screen, a lucky user can choose between engaging with a potentially significant other or ignoring them forever.

One beautiful midsummer evening, the boy and the girl were miles apart, enjoying delicious fermented beverages and ranch-dipped appetizers to the tune of country music and the howling laughter of close friends. At the behest of these friends (an assortment of rascals and troublemakers who shall not be named), the boy and the girl simultaneously reached into their pockets and pulled out their phones to download the Tinder app (although it should be noted that the girl didn't need to reach for her phone as it is already attached to her hand and opened to Pinterest). It is at this moment that the long-shot odds took a pass on yelling uncle and the universe abruptly flipped on its head. The girl intently scrolled through her phone until the photograph of a ruggedly handsome boy caught her eye. The boy did the same, although the picture he examined was that of a stunningly beautiful girl leading her cat on a leash. Intrigued and mildly amused on how one could dare attempt to control that feline beast, the boy swiped right. The girl, satisfied with the boy's lack of camouflage-themed attire and somewhat intelligible personal description, decided that she would give him a fighting chance and swiped right. Against all odds, the boy and the girl met.

Soon late-night texts turned into eight-hour conversations. Black coffee turned into JL Beers burgers (with ranch), which turned into home-cooked meals together. "Like" turned into "love," which culminated with the boy's bold decision to move across the country and follow the girl. Separate living spaces up north turned into a rowdy little apartment out west, complete with rambunctious puppy and demonic cat. The twitterpated couple traveled far and wide, having all sorts of adventures. Then finally, after months of heart-pounding anxiety and meticulous preparation, the boy got down on one knee and put a ring on the girl's finger (right before the lake-soaked puppy, having noticed the commotion, immediately stopped on a dime, adjusted course, and swooped back around to run full-steam into the "oh fer cute" couple). The boy and girl declared their love for one another in front of family and close friends. They were married and celebrated, with Das Boot and karaoke microphone in hand, into that crisp, Wisconsin fall evening. And the boy and the girl lived happily ever after. The end.