So You’re Having Doubts. Now What?

    All of a sudden, you look around, and it’s like you don’t know how you got here.

    It’s like you haven’t had a chance to just STEP BACK and just breathe since the engagement.

    It’s been a whirlwind. An exciting one, though!

    Everything felt like it was falling into place. You met “the one,” and sure your relationship wasn’t perfect – but whose is? You’ve always wanted to get married and couldn’t have been more excited to get engaged.

    Since then, you’ve been on autopilot. After all, there’s so much to do! Planning the wedding – finding a venue, choosing stationery, hiring the perfect vendors, whittling down a guest list – it’s so time-consuming. Not to mention all the other celebrations from the engagement party to the shower to the honeymoon and the “last fling before the ring.”

    Anytime you and your honey have a chance to spend time just the two of you, it simply makes sense to try to check one more item off the wedding to-do list. Cripes, you can barely remember the last time you two just HUNG. OUT. But it’s ok. You’ll have plenty of time to just chill after you’re married. After all, you’re gonna be together forever. FOR EV ER.

    Wedding planning is stressful.

    That’s what everybody says. And even though you went into it knowing that, you still weren’t prepared. You want everything to be perfect. Just like you’ve always dreamed. Just like it is on Pinterest! So, all the stress will be worth it.

    But there have definitely been fights. You and spouse-to-be are both more on edge than before the engagement – from all the pressure! – and don’t really have any downtime to relax and recharge because there’s always something that has to be done. Gotta get the cousins’ addresses! Gotta pay the deposit for the videographer! Gotta decide on a font for the wedding website!

    Some of the fights are ongoing. Maybe you’d always envisioned a small, intimate wedding and now you’re throwing a huge fiesta to accommodate the boo’s large extended family. Or maybe as much as you beg, your lover just isn’t as involved as you’d like them to be in the planning. You feel like you’re doing it all on your own. Or perhaps it’s that your new family-in-law is demanding a religious ceremony that you’re not into. Or your budget seems to have gone through the roof.

    You start wondering if the fights will blow over after you’re married (and the stress of the wedding is DONEZO). Or will the fighting continue? Just with things to fight about? Will pre-wedding be the most stressful time for you two as a couple… this HAS to be the worst, right? Because it’s SO hard right now. 
Or will tougher challenges come along, like child-rearing or unemployment or a death in the family or illness? If you feel like you’re barely making it through this – when it’s supposed to be an uber happy time of celebration – how will you make it through any of that?
    Will the stress of wedding planning bring you closer together, or tear you apart?

    Do these thoughts sound familiar?

    I assure you-you. are. not. alone.

    In fact, it is in my humble opinion that if you’re not having ANY doubts about your impending nuptials, then you’re probably MORE doomed than if you are having doubts. Reflection and consideration signify an important sense of awareness that is necessary for navigating relationships successfully. Ignoring or denying relationship dissatisfaction, on the other hand, prevents any potential for repair. In other words, we can’t fix problems we don’t address.

    However, I would also encourage HONEST reflection and assessment of conflict or disagreements within your relationship. Sometimes we are so blinded by the beginning and blissful stages of a relationship (when we often experience high levels of passion), that we overlook potential signs of incompatibility.

    Hey. HEY! Listen up!

    Love (no matter how deep, intense, dedicated, longstanding) cannot negate incompatibility. Sometimes two people just don’t fit together, even though they adore the shit out of one another. It may take some time for incompatibility to be recognized, and can sometimes be hard to spot in relationships that have a duration of only a couple of years or shorter.

    If your conflicts are based around matters of incompatibility, then perhaps those doubts are a red flag. Not sure? Take a pause. Seek out an objective professional through counseling, therapy, or coaching. Especially once wedding planning begins – and deposits have been paid, travel has been booked, dates have been advertised – it is HARD to postpone. But I promise you, it’s worth it.


    Colby Marie Z is a sex & relationship coach, educator, speaker and blogger based out of Providence, RI.  She is a doctoral candidate in human sexuality, an avid (slash obnoxious) football fan, and has been proudly talking about sexual pleasure, confidence, and satisfaction for 10+ years.  You can find out more about Colby at sexloveandallthefeels.com, or connect with her on Twitter or Instagram.

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